My thoughts are spiralling out of control. I am finding it hard to concentrate and do work. I am talking to myself a lot. It is time to get everything in my head out now.
I have suffered from depression for a long time. I found out I had psoriasis when I was 18. I am now 35. When I was told I would always have it and there is no cure. I decided then, that if the disease covered my body I would not want to live with it. But at the same time, you can’t kill yourself because it will upset people around you. I hate the thought of making others suffer. So I guess I just have to suffer my entire life, something doesn’t seem fair about that. I met a girl once that had P when she was 18 also. Just a few little guttate bits that went away. She said exactly the same “if this disease is all over my face I will kill myself’. It is not something you truly mean at the time but it is not something that ever leaves you.
So you bottle it up, you ‘man up’. You get on with life and try to hide how you really feel. I have been pretty damn good at this. Because of this I have had a great life. I am constantly going abroad, kitesurfing, snowboarding, doing seasons, trying to find anything that will bring a bit of true happiness. That is the problem. I have done all these amazing things and met amazing people, I have a career people dream of, but deep down you do not truly enjoy anything because you don’t want to be here. I wish I could give this life to somehow worse off who could appreciate it. On the outside I look like a smiley happy guy, only those close to me know something is up but it never gets talked about.
I am not a family person. I hardly call my mum and I am pretty sure my lack of communication bothers her. I have always felt very alone but that has been my choice. There is nothing my parents can do to help me and I wouldn’t want to make their lives worse in any way. Dad was a doctor, he stays very quiet about it. I think that is because as a GP he has seen how it affects people negatively. My parents split up when I was 10. My mum became a lesbian and married another woman. I am totally fine with that. I remember when my Mums wife snapped at me for picking on the couch and leaving my skin. P is quite disgusting to be fair. My mum just thinks I am a drama queen and she thinks it is not a big deal. I think recently she has started to realise how damaged I am. I know I am damaged because I don’t cry much, but as I write this tears stream down my face. I am only writing this so I stop having fake conversations with myself about it in my head and sometimes out loud when alone. I would like to go and talk to someone about this but it is not the best idea. I would feel a bit sorry for them, I am beyond complicated. In England it is unwise to go and see someone about mental health. One day I would like to volunteer for the RNLI (rescue boat service). For that reason I will never seek help officially. I really want to do the ioaska thing. I know the experience would kick start me into making changes and thinking differently. It won’t cure my Psoriasis though.
It has been a long long time, my skin problem doesn’t seem too bad to people around me. Fortunately I would say mine is moderate. Unfortunately I get it on my face, scalp, all over my hands, on my genitals, elbows, knees and then little bits everywhere. I have guttate and plaque P. In the summer it is not a huge problem. Winter in England with P is the stuff of nightmares. I had a really fun time at school, I was popular and I never had it then. I am SUPER happy I did not have it at school. Anyone that makes it through school with P, I FUCKING SALUTE YOU. Unfortunately, anyone that does have bad P at school is likely to be a shell of a person after all the bullying. I don’t think I will ever have kids for that reason. I am not sure how likely you are to pass it on but even 1% is enough. The thought of having a child that suffers from P throughout school breaks my heart. I would not be able to deal with watching my child suffer like that.
Then there is cannabis. I started smoking it when I was about 15. I have always smoked it. The reason I never managed to shake the habit is the cycle. Summer is get fit and be happy, winter is stay indoors and get high to eradicate the boredom. I developed a bit of a nervous twitch, this is likely due to stress. I was so stressed once I just tensed my entire body for about a minute haha. I think it happened shortly after that. In everyone else’s eyes; all my problems are because of cannabis. The reality is if I stop smoking it, even for long periods I am no different in terms of positivity. I am aware it is not helping. Not smoking it is also not helping.
I once went to see a dermatologist. In the UK there is a long wait list. By the time I got to see her it was 6 months later and summer. I didn’t need to see her then. I needed to see her in winter. The thing I find hardest about all of this is HOPE. Yes there are creams and potions, to me.. these are as pointless as rubbing mint on a tumour. Dovobet genuinely works, its amazing. It gives you hope, you start dating again. You think everything might be ok. Then the P comes right back usually within weeks, you are back to square one. This mental trauma over and over and over is too much. My life is going to hell and back. I just leave it now. If I have to go to a wedding or something I will start using it a few weeks before.
I am now at a point in my life, where I have a good career. I have just started working for myself at home which is dangerous. Way too much thinking and self battling going on.
People tell me I am a good looking guy. They wonder why I never have a girlfriend. If I was a normal positive guy I think I could do well with the ladies. It is very hard to come across as positive and charming when you suffer from a weird kind of constant background depression. Women can smell that shit. That is the one thing I can’t fake. Not to mention P on my dick. It is not always there but I feel like I am done with trying to find a partner. The sad truth is, if there was a cure for P tomorrow and I am completely clear it doesn’t matter anymore. My brain has changed now. I will still be the same mess. I think because I have the potential to be good looking and popular with women it makes it harder.
I met a nice girl once; she was in love with me. We were together for 1.5 years. I ruined it. I wonder if I have the potential to love anyone. That is my longest relationship. I sometimes go for years without meeting anyone or having sex. My sex drive is non-existent now. Women can’t manipulate me with sex at least. That is a positive!
Anyway, I just wanted to just get all this out. It is weird living life as an actor. Summer is around the corner and I am feeling positive. After that is winter so that little bit of positivity I just had, is now gone haha. I am genuinely worried about this winter. I feel like the future for me is a slow unravelling of my mental health for everyone to see. I weigh up my options and it feels like a choice between isolation, suicide or total meltdown in front of everyone.
Another problem is picking. I can’t stop picking it off it is compulsive now. When you pick it off sometimes it reveals semi healthy skin underneath and it looks better. I used to be conscious of leaving a small pile of crispy skin. So I would put the bits in my pocket and then eventually I just started eating them to hide them. Writing this out is so ridiculous. Now when I am alone I constantly pick and eat. It is like if you have ever put your hand in candle wax or glue and let it dry. It is very satisfying to peel it off. Imagine how hard it would be leave the candle wax on your skin, let it naturally fall off and not pick at it. Then imagine that wax is tasty like a nice soft crisp haha. My skin is really tasty after coming out of the sea to be fair. I am very aware this is absolutely disgusting by the way.
I have not lost my sense of humour though! It is probably a defence mechanism. I do tend to look at the big picture in life. We are a tiny super rare life form. There is a lot of us people on this planet. In the grand scheme and all the generations that have come and gone before us, I am very insignificant. If I was to go it would make no real difference to anything. I am also quite aware and realistic. If I didn’t have P or know what it was and I went out on a date with a girl who had psoriasis all over hands. Would I call her back after? Probably not. We are not all shallow broken arse holes like me I suppose.
Although I am not serious about taking my own life at all for reasons stated above. It doesn’t stop me thinking about it. I Imagine what it would be like at my funeral. Thinking of different ways to go that would make it less upsetting for everyone. I fantasize about dying a hero. Saving a drowning child is the classic. I would die a hero and no one would ever know I wanted to end my life. Jumping off a cliff in Switzerland with a wingsuit, no parachute, while on heroin sounds like fun lol. But hey it is only Psoriasis right. ‘It could be worse. I could have cancer’. Psoriasis doesn’t kill you. It slowly tortures you over a long period until you wish you had cancer. What is worse.. torture or dying? People who have cancer.. that is the worst thing right? How awful. I imagine the doctor telling me I have cancer with just a few weeks to live. I imagine him / her saying there is treatment available and me going.. hell no I don’t want that shit! Then I imagine the overwhelming joy I would feel knowing that I don’t have to suffer mentally and physically any more. I would love cancer! I could die and people would have sympathy rather than just think I am a selfish coward. I wonder if I actually would be happy with that outcome if it did happen. I think it would shock people to find out that a lot of people with psoriasis wish they had life ending cancer. I have also thought about my body after. I would hate for someone to have to find me and take my body away. It is not going to happen while there are people that care about me. It is selfish.
One thing that has never been a problem for me is what other people think. I am obviously super bothered about it. But if someone asks what it is or a little boy points at me I don’t care at all. I don’t feel down. I smile and say something like ‘just make sure you eat your greens little man’ But I think this is the acting. I have acted like nothing is wrong for so long I don’t know the difference any more. One thing that really bothers me is the dandruff. I can’t take it. Washing your hair doesn’t get it out. It goes everywhere and I find it fucking disgusting. I remember when I was a kid looking at people with dandruff on their shoulders going “errrr that is rank, why doesn’t he just have a shower’. I have certainly received my punishment for that comment!
I hope someone out there will read this and relate. Maybe someone out there will read this and choose to not bottle it all up. I don’t know if not bottling it up is the right answer. I am not even sure seeking help officially is a good idea. My dad is a doctor and he says the same! It will help you in the short term but suppressing things like this for long periods is some bad chicken. I am going to go smoke a J and watch Game of Thrones now, go watch some death while I think about death lol. its not so bad hey.